It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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