I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
