Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize