I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
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