I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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