just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
