dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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