I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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