My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
