That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
