i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
