woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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