I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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