You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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