put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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