Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
