This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
