i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
