Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
As shirtless as possible
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
