When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
