can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
