respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
