I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Randomize
