he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
