I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
