If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
