So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
