On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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