I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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