Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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