do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
