You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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