Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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