Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
