Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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