Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
