he thought i was a dude.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
