..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
