so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
