Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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