i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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