how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
