Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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