Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
