my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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