It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
