you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Please don't give away my fajitas
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
