U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
