One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
