If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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