dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
