I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
