Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
