I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
