Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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